VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA REVIEW

Great date movie! Do you hear me? Guys, this is a great date movie. Ladies, wrangle the guys, it’s datin’ time!

First of all, it’s Woody Allen, so you and your date can indulge in the “When Woody Allen lost his touch/How creepy is he really” conversation that inevitably accompanies his films. You may come up with gems like this:

“While ‘Annie Hall’ is one of my all-time favorite movies, I haven’t really liked anything since ‘Hannah and her Sisters.’ I haven’t really understood one since ‘Celebrity.’” “What’s the deal with ‘Everyone Says I Love You’?” “Did you know he’s an uncredited writer on the 1967 ‘Casino Royale’?” “What’s his deal with Scarlett Johansson?”

However the conversation flows, I suggest you wrap it up with something like “Totally,” or “You’re absolutely right.” That way, you get all the intellectual stimulation of an erudite argument, but since none of it matters anyway, at the end you can just agree with your date and they will feel smart.

That’s the thing with a Woody Allen movie. They make you feel smart. It’s not a typical blue collar endeavor.

So, your first big score is: you and your date feel smart.

Second big score: you get to feel sexy. This film is sexy. Guys, you get to enjoy Scarlett Johansson and Rebecca Hall — two naïve American tourists summering in Spain. Vicky (Rebecca) has to be there for blahbitty blah and Cristina (Scarlett) has to be there for some other reason. But who cares, right? They’re young and sexy. Because it’s a comedy, they’re best friends, but total opposites. Vicky is uptight and engaged to be married, while Cristina is sexually adventurous. She thinks love should be magical. And that’s the issue: which love is the real kind of love. Enter Javier Bardem as Juan Antonio, the sexy artist. I’m getting hot flashes just typing this. He is hotter than Persephone’s mini-skirt and you get to watch him have sex with everything in Spain for the entire film. That’s worth the price of admission and the popcorn.

Third score: you laugh. Yes, even at Penelope Cruz. I’ve never liked her. Ever, ever, ever. Not even a little. I didn’t get her. For years, I’ve been like, what? Seriously? Like when they kept shoving Josh Hartnett down our throats. Enough already. But here, she’s great as Juan Antonio’s suicidal ex who infiltrates his relationship with Cristina. She’s crazy, sexy and great, what more could you want? Nothing, Mr. Stingy.

So, there you have it. You’ll feel smart, and sexy, and you’ll laugh. This is a great date movie. Unless you’re dead inside. Is it Woody Allen’s best? Of course not, but few of us do our best work in our seventies and you’re being too picky. Just go. You get to see Javier Bardem have sex all over the place, and it’s enough. Enjoy. I did.

Laura House